Take Broken Me

Blogging

2011-06-24T23:19:00.002+01:00

Just a wee reminder that i'm blogging over at laurawhispering.blogspot.com these days..

2010 List Review

2010-12-31T23:54:00.002Z

At the beginning of 2010, i set myself a series of aims or challenges to achieve throughout the course of the year - a list of somewhat inane things to do. These are the results.

Aim: Complete a 52 Weeks photo project
Done.
Aim: Blog more regularly
Done. (ish.)
Aim: Sort out my weight
Done. (i lost about 3 stone.)
Aim: Graduate university
Done! (Huzzah!)
Aim: Be more spontaneous & less afraid of the universe
Probably not done all that successfully. Oh well.
Aim: Read at least 24 books
Done.

January
1. 'Fresh Apples' by Rachel Trezise
2. 'Kicked Out' by Richard W Hardwick
3. 'The Secret Garden' by Frances Hodgson Burnett
4. 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Frey
February
5. 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter' by Kim Edwards
6. 'About A Boy' by Nick Hornby
7. 'Notes On A Scandal' by Zoe Heller
8. 'Personality' by Andrew O'Hagan
9. 'The Girl Who Stopped Swimming' by Joshilyn Jackson
10. 'New Moon' by Stephanie Meyer
March
11. 'Coraline' by Neil Gaiman
12. 'Generation X' by Douglas Coupland
April
13. '(Tim Burton's) Alice in Wonderland' by T.T. Sutherland
14. 'Damaged' by Cathy Glass
15. 'As You Do' by Richard Hammond
16. 'The Road of Lost Innocence' by Somaly Mam
May
17. 'The World According to Clarkson' by Jeremy Clarkson
18. 'Love in a Cold Climate' by Nancy Mitford
19. 'Secret Scars: Uncovering & Understanding the Addiction of Self-Injury' by V.J Turner
July
20. 'East of Eden' by John Steinbeck
21. 'Nowhere to Belong' by Harmony Brookes
22. 'The Hanged Man' by Francesca Lia Block
23. 'Hurry Down Sunshine' by Michael Greenberg
August
24. 'Mother's Milk' by Edward St Aubyn
25. 'Overheard in a Dream' by Torey Hayden
26. 'Not For Glory' by Janet Paisley
27. 'The Book Thief' by Markus Zusak
September
28. 'JPod' by Douglas Coupland
29. 'Punk Monk: New Monasticism and the Ancient Art of Breathing' by Andy Freeman & Pete Greig
30. 'The Kommandant's Girl' by Pam Jenoff
31. 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' by Ken Kesey
32. 'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
October
33. 'The Go-Between' by L.P. Hartley
34. 'My Sister's Keeper' by Jodi Picoult
35. 'The Mayor of Castro Street:The Life and Times of Harvey Milk' by Randy Shilts
36. 'A Little Princess' by Frances Hodgson Burnett
37. 'The Fry Chronicles' by Stephen Fry
November
38. 'The Hours' by Michael Cunningham
39. 'The Color Purple' by Alice Walker
40. 'Tender Is the Night' by F. Scott Fitzgerald
41. 'A Long Way Down' by Nick Hornby
December
42. 'We Need To Talk About Kevin' by Lionel Shriver
43. 'The Kid' by Kevin Lewis
44. 'Little Women' by Louisa May Alcott
45. 'Mrs Dalloway' by Virginia Woolf
46. 'Can't Stand Up For Sitting Down' by Jo Brand

According to that list, my year seems to have gone by pretty successfully.

If only it were all that simple! ;)

Week 52/52: Happy New Year

2010-12-31T20:23:00.002Z

Week 52/52: Happy New Year, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at home
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.6, exposure 1/15, focal length 24mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - diptyched

Week 51/52: Rockin Robin

2010-12-29T23:18:00.002Z

Week 51/52: Rockin Robin, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in our living room.
Using: Canon EOS 1000f - 35mm film
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - very slight crop at bottom-right.

Week 50/52: Christingles

2010-12-29T23:17:00.002Z

Week 50/52: Christingles, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Fraserburgh Salvation Army's Messy Church event
Using: Canon EOS 1000f - 35mm film
Edited with: n/a

Week 49/52: Laduree

2010-12-13T21:54:00.002Z

Week 49/52: Laduree, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in our kitchen
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.0, exposure 1/800, focal length 34mm
Edited with: Picnik

Week 48/52: Brodiepup

2010-12-09T15:24:00.002Z

Week 48/52: Brodiepup, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in our garage
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.6, exposure 1/125, focal length 50mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - black-n-whited

Week 47/52: Hayley Williams

2010-11-26T00:26:00.002Z

Week 47/52: Hayley Williams, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: during Paramore's show at the AECC, Aberdeen.
Using: Fujifilm Finepix S8000fd - f4.5, exposure 1/420, focal length 28mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped & darkened

Week 46/52: Piercing

2010-11-26T00:22:00.002Z

Week 46/52: Piercing, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: on a walk through Inverugie
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.6, exposure 1/50, focal length 55mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - bordered & diptyched

Week 45/52: Bonfire Night

2010-11-26T00:19:00.002Z

Week 45/52: Bonfire Night, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at the Gadle Braes bonfire in Buchanhaven
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f8.0, exposure 1/250, focal length 40mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - slight cropping/contrast

Week 44/52: Youth Councils 2010

2010-11-04T22:41:00.002Z

Week 44/52: Youth Councils 2010, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in Perth at the All Scotland Youth Councils' Alice In Wonderland themed party
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f43.8, exposure 1/60, focal length 20mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2

Week 43/52: Messy Church

2010-11-04T22:39:00.002Z

Week 43/52: Messy Church, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Peterhead Salvation Army's Messy Church
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.3, exposure 1/60, focal length 36mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - played with colours

Week 42/52: Autumn

2010-11-04T22:28:00.002Z

Week 42/52: Autumn, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Aden Park, Mintlaw
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.3, exposure 1/400, focal length 44mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - slight contrast; border

Week 41/52: Treasures

2010-10-14T23:30:00.004+01:00

Week 41/52: Treasures, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at home
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f4.2, exposure 1/8, focal length 26mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - major cropping

Week 40/52: Fraserburgh Sunset

2010-10-12T17:16:00.002+01:00

Week 40/52: Fraserburgh Sunset, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Fraserburgh bus station
Using: Nokia X6 (mobile phone)
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - slight brightness/contrast enhancement

Week 39/52: Ayla

2010-09-30T20:14:00.002+01:00

Ayla, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at the Happy Plant Garden Centre in Mintlaw
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.6, exposure 1/15, focal length 55mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - black n white

Week 38/52: Autumn

2010-09-25T21:23:00.002+01:00

, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in our back-garden
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.6, exposure 1/250, focal length 175mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2

Week 37/52: Mundane photos of kitty cats

2010-09-17T16:41:00.002+01:00

37/52: Mundane photos of kitty cats, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in the kitchen of my family's home.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - simple merge.

Progress

2010-09-17T16:24:00.001+01:00

At the start of this year, i set myself a series of aims and the objective of keeping up to date on their progress. That lasted all of two months. It's definitely time for an update..

Aim: Complete a 52 Weeks photo project
Progress: i've been awful at blogging them on time, but i've still been taking a photo every week. They can be found here or here.
Aim: Blog more regularly
Progress: i'm not entirely sure that my posts have been more regular, but i started blogging a little more over here.
Aim: Sort out my weight
Progress: i lost about 3 stone just by switching medication. i guess that's that, then!
Aim: Graduate college
Progress: This was the biggest challenge. It's also the one that's most successfully complete. Win!
Aim: Be more spontaneous & less afraid of the universe
Progress: i'm not convinced i'm doing very well at this. The world is still entirely scary.
Aim: Read at last 24 books
Progress: i just finished book 29. For evidence, here's the list:

January
1. 'Fresh Apples' by Rachel Trezise
2. 'Kicked Out' by Richard W Hardwick
3. 'The Secret Garden' by Frances Hodgson Burnett
4. 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Frey
February
5. 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter' by Kim Edwards
6. 'About A Boy' by Nick Hornby
7. 'Notes On A Scandal' by Zoe Heller
8. 'Personality' by Andrew O'Hagan
9. 'The Girl Who Stopped Swimming' by Joshilyn Jackson
10. 'New Moon' by Stephanie Meyer
March
11. 'Coraline' by Neil Gaiman
12. 'Generation X' by Douglas Coupland
April
13. '(Tim Burton's) Alice in Wonderland' by T.T. Sutherland
14. 'Damaged' by Cathy Glass
15. 'As You Do' by Richard Hammond
16. 'The Road of Lost Innocence' by Somaly Mam
May
17. 'The World According to Clarkson' by Jeremy Clarkson
18. 'Love in a Cold Climate' by Nancy Mitford
19. 'Secret Scars: Uncovering & Understanding the Addiction of Self-Injury' by V.J Turner
July
20. 'East of Eden' by John Steinbeck
21. 'Nowhere to Belong' by Harmony Brookes
22. 'The Hanged Man' by Francesca Lia Block
23. 'Hurry Down Sunshine' by Michael Greenberg
August
24. 'Mother's Milk' by Edward St Aubyn
25. 'Overheard in a Dream' by Torey Hayden
26. 'Not For Glory' by Janet Paisley
27. 'The Book Thief' by Markus Zusak
September
28. 'JPod' by Douglas Coupland
29. 'Punk Monk: New Monasticism and the Ancient Art of Breathing' by Andy Freeman & Pete Greig

Favourites so far:
Fiction - 'The Book Thief' or 'East of Eden'
Non-fiction - 'Hurry Down Sunshine'

So there we go. i guess i'm not doing entirely badly.

36/52: Backgarden Banter

2010-09-10T21:17:00.002+01:00

36/52: Backgarden Banter, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: having a BBQ in my backgarden
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/3.8; exposure 1/25; focal length 20mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - desaturated, bordered

35/52: Bowling

2010-09-10T14:18:00.002+01:00

35/52: Bowling, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: bowling at Fraserburgh leisure centre
Using: Nikon D60 SLR
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped & merged & all that jazz

34/52: Beach BBQ

2010-09-10T14:17:00.002+01:00

34/52: Beach BBQ, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Playing catch-up again..

Taken: at the divisional youth gathering on Aberdeen beach
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/4.0; exposure 1/500; focal length 55mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2

33/52: Fields of gold.

2010-08-22T21:56:00.002+01:00

33/52: Fields of gold., originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in a field just outside of St Andrews
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/8.0; exposure 1/800; focal length 165mm
Edited with: -- no edit

32/52: Cheryl & Alan

2010-08-22T21:52:00.003+01:00

32/52: Cheryl & Alan, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Getting a bit behind in posting these, for some reason..

Taken: at Cheryl & Alan's wedding dance in the Clerkhill Inn
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/4.8; exposure 1/60; focal length 95mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - desaturated, etc.

31/52: Daydreamer

2010-08-05T14:36:00.002+01:00

Daydreamer, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Ravenscraig Castle, Inverugie
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/4.2; exposure 0.033; focal length 24mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - slightly cropped

30/52: Scottish Week Fireworks Display

2010-07-29T21:51:00.002+01:00

30/52: Scottish Week Fireworks Display, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: from the Links, overlooking the Lido, Peterhead.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/13; exposure 1.1; focal length 165mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - square cropped and bordered.

29/52: This evening's sun

2010-07-23T10:34:00.002+01:00

29/52: This evening's sun, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in our driveway, Inverugie.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.3; exposure 1/4000; focal length 35mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - bordered.

28/52: Lashes & Shadows

2010-07-15T11:32:00.003+01:00

28/52: Lashes & Shadows, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

My brother's girly eyelashes.

Taken: in our back garden, Inverugie.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.6; exposure 1/2000; focal length 200mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - black n white; bordered.

27/52: Climber

2010-07-10T15:25:00.002+01:00

27/52: Climber, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Lagganlia outdoor centre, near Aviemore
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.0; exposure 1/800; focal length 112mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - slight crop & border

Salvation Army Junior Camp 2010

26/52: Congregational Outing

2010-07-01T14:39:00.002+01:00

Congregational Outing, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Oswald Hall, Auchincruive
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/4.2; exposure 1/1000; focal length 26mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped & saturated

Photographically, this is not that great a picture ..but it's a wonderful memory of my last Sunday working with these beautiful children.

New Blog

2010-06-29T23:48:00.010+01:00

Just a heads-up that i've started a new blogging adventure over at Timshel: laurawhispering.blogspot.com

i'll still be using this blog for my '52 Weeks' photos and the like, but thought that it'd be good to kick-start
a new step on my journey with a new blog. i explain it a little better over here.

If you feel like adding me to your blog rolls, hitting the follow button, or doing whatever it is that you do,
it'd be much appreciated. i look forward to sharing the journey with you!

25/52: Messy Games

2010-06-24T23:12:00.002+01:00

25/52: Messy Games, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in St Nicholas Church (Prestwick), during our youth group's EPIC messy games night!
Using: Nikon D60 SLR
Edited: very obviously, with Photoshop CS2. Cropped, merged & whatnot.

(i couldn't possibly choose a single photo!)

24/52: With Chip K

2010-06-17T23:19:00.002+01:00

24/52: With Chip K, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at the Frenzy Christian music festival, Ingliston, Edinburgh
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.3; exposure 1/1250; focal length 36mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped, bordered, layered.

(May change this for a different photo once i've had a chance to go through them all.)

23/52: Sunset City

2010-06-10T15:29:00.002+01:00

23/52: Sunset City, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: from my living room window in Prestwick
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/25; exposure 1/60; focal length 70mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - slightly cropped & diptyched

Between essay-writing, exam revision & celebrating my 22nd birthday, i've been a little preoccupied this week & haven't taken many photos. This will have to do.

22/52: Millport

2010-06-03T20:28:00.002+01:00

22/52: Millport, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in Millport, on Cumbrae
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.3; exposure 1/1250; focal length 40mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped, bordered, etc

Youth group bike ride and BBQ on Cumbrae, on Saturday. Fun times all round!
i can't believe i only have 4 more weeks left with these guys.

A Letter to Myself (Notes on Recovering from Depression)

2010-05-30T23:40:00.003+01:00

Dear self,

i don't know if you noticed, but you were really quite unwell again for a while there. Depression crept up on you and seriously knocked the wind out of your sails.

i know that you know that really. i know that you felt it sneaking up and recognised the symptoms from the start, or somewhere close enough.

And i know that fear and shame and sadness and so many forms of negativity stopped you from getting help for quite some time.

But you're getting better. You're really, truly, recovering and getting back on your feet again. Still taking baby steps, but back on your feet.

i just thought that now, while your brain is letting up on itself and allowing in a little bit of light, it might be a good idea to remind yourself of the things that have helped; to note down the things that have struck some sort of balance, so that next time this monster crawls out of the shadows - which it inevitably will - you can have these weapons ready for your defence.

i know you hate doctors. i know you hate talking about emotions and feelings and darkness of such a kind. And i know you feel like a failure being unable to survive without pills. But the truth of the matter is that they have helped. The doctors are not as scary as you think and the pills really, honestly, truly do work. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.

Secondly, it's okay to take some time out. Sometimes letting go of some commitments eases the pressure a little and allows some time and space and energy to focus on recovery. Sometimes it's okay to stay in bed for a couple of days - not to wallow, because that won't help anybody, but just to regain some energy & strength. i know you don't want to let anyone down, but sometimes it's okay to ask others to hold the fort for a little while. The world won't fall down without you. And you will contribute to it better when you're well.

It's all right to talk sometimes as well. We were made to be in community with other people. We work better that way. Remember that. Get up and go for coffee with someone comfortable. Talk to mum, don't tell her you're "just tired" as an excuse to get off the phone. Go to Psychology and say, "i don't feel very well at the moment, do you mind if we forget the theories & just chat for a while?" There are people who want to hear it. And, as cliche as it sounds, it really will help.

You really really need to remember to eat. This is the hardest part for you. i know that. i know that when you're sad and lethargic and fighting all those negative thoughts, your appetite disappears. i know that a lot of the time it's more than that - that you are deliberately, consciously refusing to eat in an effort to self-destruct. Don't do that. All those things your dietician told you about the brain needing food to function and filter out the negative thoughts? They're so very, very true. Eat something. Anything. Order take-away and stock up on ice-cream, if you want. Just remember that you really need to eat.

Lastly, you need to create. It's hard when your brain isn't working and your energy is sapped and your concentration disappears and your motivation refuses to let you out of bed.. but creating is what you do. Write something. Doodle. Edit your website. Take some crappy pictures, for goodness sake. i promise you it'll be good for your soul.

Do these things, with your curtains open, fresh air in your room and an endless supply of tea and things will - eventually - begin to get better. It may not seem like it now, but things are not always this helpless and hopeless and dark. There are brighter days. There are days of purpose and hope and love. You have lived them and breathed them and seen them before. And there will be more to come.

It might take a little time. It might seem like things will never improve. But they do. They always do. Depression is a harsh and hateful monster ..but it is not you. You can fight it and you can win. And things will improve. i promise you.

Most of all, just remember to be kind to you. Feel it. Breathe it. Allow it to knock the wind out of your sails. And then pick yourself up again and move on. Baby steps.. into the light.

You can do it.

There are brighter days to come.

In faith and love,

- your very own self xo

21/52: Afternoon Glow

2010-05-27T21:52:00.002+01:00

21/52: Afternoon Glow, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in my bedroom, Prestwick
Using: Canon EOS 1000f, with 35mm film

More film photos from throughout the week:

April's Film

2010-05-27T15:35:00.002+01:00

Buchanan Street, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

35mm film shots, taken with a Canon EOS 1000f throughout April.

Glasgow:

Dunure

Alloway

Home

i'm loving the feel of shooting with a film camera and the colours & textures of the results. It all feels very.. authentic. ♥

20/52: What's In Your Bag?

2010-05-20T21:02:00.002+01:00

20/52: What's In Your Bag?, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

i wasn't feeling very creative this week..

Taken: in my bedroom.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.0; exposure 1/13; focal length 24mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - tiny crop; layered for contrast

19/52: Christian Aid Fun Day

2010-05-13T14:53:00.007+01:00

19/52: Christian Aid Fun Day, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Prestwick South Church
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/7.1; exposure 1/1250; focal length 36mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped & bordered.

Fun Day at Prestwick's South Church, raising funds for Christian Aid.
The youth group took part, along-side some (considerably older) people from other congregations in the town, with the 'Malteser Masher' and 'Stocks & Sponges' they'd made in the previous weeks.

The day raised £1543 - much of which was probably donated by the young people, paying to soak each other! Much fun.

Something true

2010-05-12T14:41:00.001+01:00

About a week or so ago, i randomly sent the link out to my 'Tell her something true..' Formspring again, over Twitter. i thought that no one had responded and that the novelty had long worn off.

i was wrong.

A couple of days ago, while clearing out my Inbox, i found a whole host of messages hidden away in my 'Junk' folder. i'm not sure why they went there - they never have before - but the timing of finding them was almost perfect, discovering them at a moment when i really needed the encouragement.

There is something incredibly moving about people's honesty and i just wanted to share some of the replies:

“You are a lovely person with a big heart that people do not appreciate enough.”

----

“You are more amazing than I think you believe ♥”

----

“You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
I totally believe in you. Please be assured of prayers being sent your way. You are Fabulous.”

----

“I admire how you never seem to give up. Somehow it seems like even when you are hiding from the world, you still don’t seem to give up. I don’t know why I think this and I’m guessing it doesn’t feel true to you but it’s what I see, what I sense. And that encourages me, challenges me and helps me to see that there is hope for me too. I don’t know why, but this is true.”

----

“I’m hiding away from the world.
Gets easier all the time!
I should know better!! (I’m old enough to!)
It’s damaging/hurting those around me…”

-----

“Also, a horse is 14 hands 3 and above and a pony is 14 hands 2 and below, the difference is based on height alone unlike a lot of other animal groups. So a horse can birth to a pony and vice versa. That’s true :-)”

----

“I truly don’t know where I’d be without your help and kind words. You’ve saved my sanity, and my life. Thank you.”

----

“I love you.”

----

“You have a talent for self-portraits.”

----

“There is a tiny plant with blue flowers on [forget-me-not?] growing outside, it’s not “supposed” to be there but it’s prettier than anything that is :-)”

----

“I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost myself at some point along the way. But I’m tired of trying to think things through, I’m just, so tired.
(Anonymity is a great thing sometimes…)”

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a kind compliment, a heartfelt piece of someone’s story, or an entirely random fact; something about the act of sharing touches me and makes me feel incredibly privileged. Thank you for satisfying my random urges; for your openness and vulnerability; and for taking the time to share. Your words matter. And they mean a lot.

And to those of you feeling lost, or hiding away from the world.. i hope that you, too, might find encouragement from these words. These truths are your truths too. People do care. And brighter days are still to come.

“Tell her something true when all she’s known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom. Tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.” - twloha

18/52: Timshel

2010-05-06T21:24:00.002+01:00

18/52: Timshel, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

This was obviously going to be my photo of the week. Read here for the story.

Taken: in my bedroom.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped, screened, triptyched, bordered.

Will

2010-05-04T12:29:00.000+01:00

i will wake up in the morning and swallow down my pills.

i will open up the curtains and let some light into my room.

i will make myself a cup of tea.

i will consume enough fluid to keep the headaches away.

i will clean my tattoo and nurse my wrist, being kind to at least one part of my body.

i will remember all the lessons my dietician taught me.

And i will eat something - anything - remembering my brain won't work without it.

If nothing else, i will do these things today.

And it will be something - a step in the right direction. Baby steps, at least.

i will look after myself. And it will be good for me. And it will help.

Because it has to.

תמשל

Tattoo: Timshel

2010-04-30T20:41:00.003+01:00

i got a tattoo after class today. My first one!

The Hebrew word 'timshel' on the inside of my left wrist:

The following extract from 'East of Eden' by John Steinbeck, written in reference to the story of Cain & Abel, kind of explains why:

"Why is this word so important?"
"Don't you see?" he cried. "The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in "Thou shalt," meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel - 'Thou mayest' - that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if 'Thou mayest' - it is also true that 'Thou mayest not.' Don't you see?"
"Yes, I see. I do see. But you do not believe this is divine law. Why do you feel its importance?"
[...]"'Thou mayest!' Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win!"
[...]
"I feel that a man is a very important thing - maybe more important than a star. This is not theology. I have no bent toward gods. But I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed - because 'Thou mayest.'"

- From 'East of Eden' by John Steinbeck, page 305-306

It's been a hard few weeks. The next few are about to get even harder.

i've been struggling with depression (yet again) and that's difficult on its own.
My final weeks of college are quickly approaching, with all their exams and essay deadlines, and that's difficult for anyone.
Merge the two together and i know that the next few weeks are going to be impossible.

It would be a million times easier just to give up.

But, as my Psychologist pointed out the other day - while i sat in his office and cried my eyes out (and i never cry in front of people) - i am not like that. i am a stubborn madam. i do not give up.

Depression is like that. Depression gives up. But i am not.

And i am making the choice to pick up the pieces, to try my very hardest (however difficult it may be) and to refuse, again, to give up.
i am choosing to be attacked but not destroyed.

Because thou mayest.

Timshel.

The tattoo is just a reminder of that.

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you

- 'Timshel' by Mumford & Sons

17/52: Brig O' Doon.

2010-04-29T12:22:00.002+01:00

17/52: Brig O' Doon., originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at the Brig O'Doon, Alloway
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.3; exposure 1/1000; focal length 45mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped, bordered, + exposure

16/52: Evening Sun

2010-04-22T10:17:00.003+01:00

16/52: Evening Sun, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

i shot in film again this week, but haven't finished the roll to get it developed. Ergo, this picture may change eventually.
For now, this will have to do.

Taken: at the oval in Prestwick, during Sunday night's youth group. (Loving the sunny evenings!)
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/6.3; exposure 1/1250; focal length 18mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped, used 'match colour' setting & added border.

You’ve Lost Your Muchness

2010-04-21T23:24:00.002+01:00

"You're not the same as you were before. You used to be much more... muchier. You've lost your muchness."

"In there," he said. "Something's missing."

From Tim Burton's 'Alice In Wonderland'

Something's missing.

i realise i have been incredibly negative recently – and i'm negative enough at the best of times. i realise that all i've done recently is moan.
And i just wanted to say i'm sorry. To myself, as much as anyone else. It's bothering me.

Because i know that this is a different kind of negativity.
That something's missing.

Something's gone astray.

Things have gotten particularly hard of late. Particularly heavy.

You know those days when you have so much to do – and you're accomplishing so little – that you can physically feel the pressure of it closing in and chasing after you?

It's been one of those days.
And weeks.
And i think probably months, actually.

Except there's nothing waiting to be done. There are no stresses waiting to be accomplished. There's just this constant heavy pressure relentlessly pursuing me.

Things have just gotten kind of dark.

This thing, whatever it is, is casting its shadows constantly.

i can feel myself fumbling around in the darkness; stumbling every little step of the way; moving oh so very slowly.

Everything is slow at the moment – my brain working at the pace of a dying snail.
Sluggish.

i can't even read. 20 days it's taken me to read a slim little children's book. 20 days.

Everything is so much harder in this sort of darkness - like getting out of bed on a cold winter morning.

The only light that breaks through the curtains falls and illuminates all the dirt.
Highlights all the smudges on the glass.
Points out every glaring imperfection – and believe me, there are plenty – and shows me how entirely unclean i am.
How much of a failure i have turned out to be.

My days are a struggle lately. All shaky hands and teary eyes and wrestling with my thoughts every second of the day.

i am full of negativity.
i am always full of negativity.
But every now and then – every couple of years or so – it gets particularly intense.

This is one of those times.

And i know that i, with it, get too intense.

i get needy.
And i hate that in myself.
And i'm sorry.

i reach out with half-hearted sentences, annoying everyone and crying out for help quite desperately.
And then i pull back.
Pretend that everything's okay.

But it's not.
This time it's not.

Something's missing.

i used to be much more muchier.
And this time i'm not quite sure how to get my muchness back.

15/52: Daffodils

2010-04-15T12:56:00.003+01:00

15/52: Daffodils, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at the end of our road in Inverugie
Using: Canon EOS 1000f, with 35mm film

This rapidly appears to be becoming a photography blog through and through. Here we go again with the pictures.

This week, my uncle very generously gave me his Canon EOS 1000f film camera. He bought it around 15 years ago for something in the region of £500, but has long since made the inevitable move to the world of digital - most recently with a Nikon D80 SLR.

i, however, have welcomed the chance to take another step back into Planet Film!

These are the results of my first spool:

A date with photography

2010-04-12T23:43:00.001+01:00

Thursday was yet another day spent taking photos - this time at Ravenscraig Castle, over the fields round the corner from our house, with Kayleigh and Joel for company:

Much fun! =]

(On Flickr. Kayleigh on Flickr.)

Photo 'Therapy'

2010-04-11T16:50:00.005+01:00

i'm at home in Peterhead at the moment, feeling a bit pants and taking some time out for myself. i've been spending a LOT of time with my camera - or my dad's D70 & my uncle's girlfriend's D60, if we're getting precise - just walking and thinking and shooting a lot of nonsense. These are just some photos from along the river Ugie round the back of our house and over the cliffs at Slains Castle, out near Cruden Bay, the other day...

Most therapeutic.

14/52: Spring Awakening

2010-04-08T23:32:00.003+01:00

14/52 Weeks: Spring Awakening, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in a broken down shed at Inverugie.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.6, exposure 1/160, focal length 26mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped & bordered.

(May change this photo at a later date - i've taken so many this week!)

It's Friday

2010-04-02T20:33:00.001+01:00

Good Friday, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

It's Friday.. but Sunday's coming.

Redemption Stories

2010-04-02T16:46:00.000+01:00

The guys at the Something Beautiful podcast have put together a great and inspiring collection of words and images - 'Redemption Stories' - in the form of an ebook, with contributions from some of their listeners. It's free; it's just in time for Easter; and it's definitely worth checking out!

Download it here.

Thanks to Stewart, Jonathan & Thomas for compiling such a beautiful piece!

13/52: Fading

2010-04-01T00:02:00.001+01:00

13/52 Weeks: Fading, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in my bedroom at my parents' house.
Using: Nikon D70s SLR - f/16, exposure 2.5, focal length 22mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - cropped & added a screen layer

12/52: Girly

2010-03-25T00:39:00.004Z

12/52: Girly, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in the grounds of the Auld Kirk in Ayr, on an afternoon out with some of the youth group.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/14, exposure: 1/100, focal length 45mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS4 - big style. Though, i hasten to add, the lens flare is all natural!

Drops Like Stars

2010-03-24T17:21:00.003Z

Squirrel!, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Rob Bell's 'Drops Like Stars' tour came to Scotland, on Friday, with a 'gig' at Perth Concert Hall.

Having already read the book, i went along anticipating its contents and received exactly what i expected - not a powerful evangelistic sermon, that some seem disappointed not to have received; but a two hour, beautifully presented discussion of his sometimes reassuring, sometimes challenging thoughts on suffering and creativity.

Rob Bell is a lively, engaging and ultimately honest speaker, who seems to naturally and easily take the audience with him wherever he goes. The fact that Perth Concert Hall - with approximately 1300 seats - was completely sold out pays testament to the way in which he manages to connect with people on some unique level, touching at something within them.

That something, i have realised, will be very different for you to what it is for me ..but the connection still remains.

That something, i realise too, would have been different even for me had i come from a different place in my feelings and thoughts.

What i took from Friday seems different to what everyone else seems to have taken, and different, too, from what i took at the time of reading the book.

What i took from the book was a brilliant visual commentary on the role of creativity. i got excited by quotes about boxes ("There's a box?!") and was blown away by the physical and artistic layout and presentation of the book.

While the presentation was also visually striking and beautifully pieced together, it was not the thing that struck me most. i realize that my interpretation of Rob Bell’s points was largely influenced by the fact that i, as the receiver, was coming from a particular place of vulnerability – of feeling entirely worn out by a somewhat crummy week – and so would refer you to either Thomas or Adam’s blogs for a more thorough and unbiased representation of the talk as a whole.

What Rob Bell spoke about, as a basic summary, was the way in which suffering produces creativity – the idea that pain and suffering, in a way unique to anything else, can move us towards a sense of artistry, compassion and community; that when we suffer, our comfort zones are blown apart and we are forced to start again from a new perspective, moulded and driven by this experience. He expounds upon the idea of the five ‘arts’ of suffering: the art of honesty; the art of elimination; the art of solidarity; the art of possession; and the art of failure.

What i took from all of this was a blatantly strong reminder that i am loved for who and what i am, because i am God's. i took from it not something new and astounding, but a new and astounding presentation of the same old truths. Something old as something new. Something creative.

i took from it the gently whispered reminder that it's okay to hurt and feel and to actually admit to that. i took from it the reminder that other people feel it as well; that God has hurt and felt it too and that there's a whole entire book - in two parts! - to admit to that. i took from it the reassurance that i am not alone in my struggles - that the God of almighty power and love has been there too; that:

"God came into the world and screamed alongside us."

..that he's still here crying and feeling it too; and that other people are also journeying through that. i took the 'art of solidarity' away from that.

Secondly, what i took from his presentation was a strange sort of reminder that it's okay to get things wrong. i took from it the reminder that i am not perfect and do not need to be. i took from it a renewed expression of the fact that God created and loves me (and him and you..) exactly as i am; that he can use me in my current state; and that he not only forgives me when i get things wrong, but says, "Stop being so hard on yourself." and works in and through that!

"You can continue to beat yourself up. Or you can use this as an opportunity to learn and grow and change."

i learnt about the 'art of elimination' and the 'art of failure' - the art of falling down and getting back up again; of recognising that all that God wants is already within us.. it just takes some chiselling away.

And, finally, i took from it a renewed sense of hope - a reassurance that all of these things are not just ideas, but actual possibilities; that these theories can actually become practice; that i can be and do and think and feel the things that God intended for me; that i can be used by God and find purpose in him. That there is hope. There is the promise of a new tomorrow..

"And in that new tomorrow.. YOU WILL BE JUST FINE."

-----

The event, i should probably add, was also greatly contributed to by the presence of some other people. i got to see the likes of Sam, Thomas, Adam, Kevin, Jen & Paul and to meet, for the first time ever, Dan & Chris & Andrew ..all of which made the evening that little bit more special. It was awesome to see & meet each one of you. Thanks!

Stand Still

2010-03-18T17:03:00.001Z

i had the most bizarre appointment, yesterday, with Psychology.

Things have been a little tense for a while now and we seem to have come to a complete stand still. (Not that we'd ever been going anywhere fast, that i could see.) We're working through a variety of books and things, looking at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's all diagrams and grids and i can see the logic behind them perfectly. i could recite all the processes back to you and explain the cycles of thought-behaviour-depression quite clearly. i can apply them to my own situation, work through all the patterns in my own life, and fully understand how x should lead to y should lead to me feeling a whole lot better about myself, in theory.

But our stumbling point is precisely that: "In theory."

It all makes perfect sense to me. i can see exactly how and why it should result itself in change. But it just doesn't seem to transfer beyond the theory. It doesn't matter how many times i revisit the same process and idea, it has no impact on me. It does not influence the way i act or feel or think, or how entirely terrifying the world seems to me.

So, for the last two months, we've been going steadily round in circles - him trying to explain the theory again and again and again to me; me trying to explain to him that i already know what he's talking about, that i'll try it again and again and again if he believes it so vehemently, but that it really isn't helping me.

And so this week he decides to try something new.

Except it isn't new, really - it's the same old thing, again, disguised by a separate piece of paper and a few shiny new grids. But i'll stick with it. Who knows, this time it might help. And i don't appear to have that many alternatives.

So we're working through this sheet with its shiny new grids and he asks me to give a negative belief about me. So i tell him that i'm useless - that i have no purpose in life and that there is nothing that i do that couldn't be done equally well, if not better, without me. And he asks me to rate it on a scale of 0-100, with 0 being useless and 100 being purposeful, so i say 15. And that's not me looking for compliments or being deliberately self-deprecating, that's just a statement of fact as far as i can see.

So he tells me to prove it. And i tell him how completely hopeless i am at college - how i contribute nothing to my classes; how i never have any idea of what everyone else is talking about; how i am a complete disaster at presentations; how i struggle so badly with every essay. He asks me if i pass and i tell him that yes, i do, mostly. And he tries to tell me that passing is enough, that the reality of life in university is that "we no longer get the high marks we got in our school days," and i'm laughing to myself inwardly wondering what he would call the 70, 80 & 90% i got for my last three submissions. But i learnt long ago that getting the grades is about all that i'm good for, but that admitting to them only makes things twice as hard. So i keep quiet on that front.

So we're debating this point and he's trying to tell me that passing is enough and i'm trying to semi-argue with him, without ever admitting to myself or to him that some of the time i do better than just pass. And i'm clutching at straws in my argument, so i tell him, with flippant comment on a complete and utter whim, that i am useless at college because it's taken me four years to complete a three year degree.

And, flippant as it was intended to be, he is not letting me away with that one.

"Say I told you that I know this girl," he says. "And this girl was studying for a degree at university. She's working away at it, passing the things she needs to pass.. but in her second year, I think it was, she develops a really serious illness and has to spend some time in hospital. She gets out of hospital eventually and goes back to university and back to passing all the things she needs to pass. Which is good, I suppose.. but it means her three year course has now taken her four years to do. And how bad is that?! How stupid and useless is that?! Doesn't that make her useless and stupid?"

"No," i reply.

"Why not?"

"i don't know."

"You do know. Tell me why not."

"No," i say.

"Defend her!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because you don't want to defend yourself."

He lets it hang there a while before he continues, "Because you won't be kind to yourself. Laura, you were in hospital with a serious illness.."

"But i didn't have a serious illness. i was in hospital because i put myself there!"

"Oh, I see," he says. "You put yourself there? People don't just decide to go into hospital unless there's something wrong. You had a serious illness. Depression is a serious illness. And you don't just get up out of hospital & dive straight back into everything after an illness like that. You have to give yourself time to heal.."

And i realise, from the way my jaw locks itself into stone and the way that my eyelids are battling back the tears (because i cannot, will not, do not cry in front of anybody), that perhaps my comment wasn't so flippant, actually.

And this realisation does not please me.

This realisation proves him right, again. It means that i'm being too hard on myself. It means that i'm not showing myself the same compassion and kindness and generosity that i would show to everyone else. It means that, when it comes to "loving my neighbour as myself," i am failing miserably.

This displeases me.

And it displeases me ever more greatly to realise that i know this already. To realise that, despite the shock of the conversation, we have just arrived back at the same point. That i know all the things he wants me to know - that i am too harsh on myself, that i dismiss my 'achievements' too easily, that i do not have to do things perfectly, that i need to ease up on myself a little if things are going to change for me - and yet they still don't make a blind bit of difference. i know what i'm supposed to know. i know what i'm supposed to do. i even know that i'm actually implementing it. But it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

For some reason - for whatever reason that may be - things are not getting any better. And i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. i don't know what i'm missing. i don't know what it is that's stopping me from allowing these perfectly sensible theories to have any impact in practice.

i am stuck. We are stuck. And i have no idea what else to try, so i'm looking to him for answers.

And his answer, on this occassion? His great and glorious wisdom?

That we're stuck.. so we just stop. We just stop.

That was it. We're not going anywhere, so we just give up. i'm going home frustrated by every session and that isn't going to be of any help to me - which is true. But the only alternative is to just give up?

That was it. No other methods. No other people. No other anything. We just give up.

"I think we've come as far as we're going to go," he says.

And i don't feel like we've gone very far at all.

i don't feel like i've moved anywhere from the point at which i entered my first appointment. And this Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - this process that everyone hyped up as being the one thing that would definitely help me - has changed absolutely nothing.

And i can't help but feel a little lost and hurt and abandoned by it all.

He says that i've to "go away and think about it," and that we'll make the decision at our next appointment. But i feel like i now have only two options: to miraculously transfer all the theories into practice and pretend to be redeemed in the next five weeks; or to say again that it's just not working and to walk out that door condemned to go it alone with nothing more to pin my hope on.

And i don't think that either is very likely to help. And i can't stop myself from thinking that it all reflects back on me, somehow - that the theories work for everyone else and so it's probably all my fault.

And while that may very well be true, it kind of defeats the point.

And it still leaves me at a complete & utter stand still.

Wonderful.

11/52: Layers

2010-03-18T12:52:00.002Z

11/52 Weeks: Layers, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Two for the price of one.

This scan:

Layered over this photo:

..taken out at Auchincruive on Saturday.

Just a quote

2010-03-16T23:38:00.001Z

"Hans Christian Anderson wrote a story called ‘The Snow Queen’. At the beginning of the story, the devil makes a mirror. No one who looks in the mirror sees a reflection of his or her true self, but rather a distorted image, twisted and ugly. If you have low self-esteem, you see yourself in this distorted way without the benefit of the devil’s mirror. What jumps out at you is what you dislike about yourself - the weaknesses and faults that are an inevitable part of being human. Your qualities, assets, resources, strengths and skills are much harder to accept.”

— Melanie Fennell (Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, pg 160)

i am sick fed up of this book and all these theories that sound so good on paper but have no impact in practice ...but this? i like this. Wonders will never cease.

Search & destroy

2010-03-15T21:53:00.001Z

Every 6 months or so, i build myself a playlist much like this. And every 6 months or so, i delete it after only a few weeks. Rebuild it. Delete it.

It's a pretty miserable playlist, but i build it as much for the distraction as anything else.

Today i rebuilt it. In a few weeks (maybe even a few days, though i don't dare to hope) i will no doubt delete it again.

This time i'm saving myself some effort for the next time round..

So, self of the future: here are the songs you're most likely to be looking for.

A Skylit Drive - 'This Isn't the End'
Amy Studt - 'Testify'
Anna Nalick - 'Wreck of the Day'
Avril Lavigne - 'Nobody's Home'
Bayside - 'How to Fix Everything'
Beth Hart - 'Leave the Light On'
Between the Trees - 'A Time For Yohe'
Between the Trees - 'The Way She Feels'
Blink 182 - 'Adam's Song'
Breaking Benjamin - 'Here We Are'
Bright Eyes - 'Lua'
Britt Nicole - 'When She Cries'
David Bowie - 'Rock N Roll Suicide'
Echo and the Bunnymen - 'The Cutter'
Eels - 'Elizabeth On the Bathroom Floor'
Evanescence - 'Tourniquet'
Flyleaf - 'Cassie'
Flyleaf - 'Red Sam'
Garbage - 'Bleed Like Me'
Gene - 'Long Sleeves For the Summer'
GooGoo Dolls - 'Iris'
Hawthorne Heights - 'Ohio Is For Lovers'
HIM - 'Beyond Redemption'
In Flames - 'Boarders and Shading'
Indigo Girls - 'Blood and Fire'
JamisonParker - 'Dear Everybody'
Jason Mraz - 'Plane'
Lisa Loeb - 'She's Falling Apart'
Manic Street Preachers - 'Die In the Summertime'
Maria Mena - 'A Few Small Bruises'
Maria Mena - 'Internal Dialogue'
Maria Taylor - 'Xanax'
Missy Higgins - 'Katie'
Missy Higgins - 'Scar'
Neutral Milk Hotel - 'Three Peaches'
Nine Inch Nails - 'Hurt'
Nirvana - 'Blandest'
Paramore - 'Misguided Ghosts'
Paramore - 'We Are Broken'
Sara Groves - 'Less Like Scars'
Shinedown - 'Cry For Help'
Sia - 'Breathe Me'
Sigur Ros - 'Ny Batteri'
Silverchair - 'Ana's Song (Open Fire)'
Skillet - 'The Last Night'
Smile Empty Soul - 'Self Inflicted'
Sum 41 - 'Angels With Dirty Faces'
The (International) Noise Conspiracy - 'A Body Treatise'
The Black Maria - 'Mirrors and Cameras'
The Dresden Dolls - 'Bad Habit'
The Dresden Dolls - 'Girl Anachronism'
The Fray - 'Little House'
The Killing Moon - 'A Book of Love Stories'
Tori Amos - 'Never Seen Blue'
ZOEgirl - 'Scream'

P.S. "Wake up. You are alive. We're on your side." It's all going to be alright.

10/52: Light Spilling

2010-03-11T16:40:00.002Z

10/52: Light Spilling, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at Troon beach.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.3, exposure: 1/4000, focal length 45mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS4 - Cropped & bordered

2010: Two months

2010-03-04T15:19:00.003Z

2010's "Resolutions": A second month's review:

Read at last 24 books
Average aim of two a month. This month i read six: 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter' by Kim Edwards; 'About A Boy' by Nick Hornby; 'Notes On A Scandal' by Zoe Heller; 'Personality' by Andrew O'Hagan; 'The Girl Who Stopped Swimming' by Joshilyn Jackson & 'New Moon' by Stephanie Meyer. Check.
Complete a 52 Weeks photo project
Weeks 5, 6, 7 & 8. Check.
Blog more regularly
This time last year i'd written 25 posts. This is post 27 of this year. Perhaps not making quite such an improvement in terms of regularity..
Sort out my weight
Not going there at the moment. My sensible head has stopped me checking until i can work at it like a rational person. i do need to start swimming again sometime soon, though.
Graduate college
Found a placement. Passed my Christology essay. That's about as close as i'm going to get for the time being..

On the same train of thought, though, i am actually really enjoying college this semester. This has surprised me immensely. i thought it would be horrible & terrifying without my 'friends' and familiar faces, but i'm finding it bewilderingly pleasant to step out of their shadows and speak up for myself for a while. i'm still not quite used to having classes on a Friday, but i'm thoroughly enjoying Marion's Pastoral Care class so far & our Working With Communities class has been full of fascinating thoughts & conversations.. though i enjoy it considerably less because i'm afraid of the certainty that i'll be pounced on for answers. Seems like a good semester so far, though.
Be more spontaneous & less afraid of the universe
i fail at this. i'm going to make it my aim to hop on a train and take photos in a 'new' place at least once this month.

That's almost a 50/50 split in terms of success for February, i guess. Still another 10 months for improvement..

i'm also setting myself an additional challenge this month. i realised that with all the blog posts & status updates on Facebook & Twitter, i hardly do any 'real' writing anymore. And i miss it. So my challenge for March is to write/draw/stick something (anything) in my paper journal every day for the month. We'll see how that goes..

9/52: Thebandwithnoname

2010-03-04T14:55:00.003Z

9/52 Weeks: Thebandwithnoname, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: at the Ark's Thebandwithnoname gig in Ayr on Friday night.
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f/5.0, exposure: 1/125, focal length 135mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS4, slightly cropped & darkened a little.

SIAD & A Rant On Understanding

2010-03-01T14:50:00.003Z

It's Self-Injury Awareness Day today. Please, please check out Firstsigns.. because, despite what many people think, today actually matters. This issue matters. People matter.

We're particularly bad, as people, for dismissing the things we don't understand. We're especially bad at it in the church.
Self-injury doesn't fit with our theologies, or our black and white understandings of the people of God. It doesn't wrap itself up in our concept of pastoral care, or neatly tie a bow around our understanding of sin and compassion and forgiveness and love. And so we tend to brush it under the carpet and close our eyes to the people of our congregations whom it effects.

It's not always the case - i must stress that - i know plenty of committed Christian people who do some great work helping those who struggle with self-harm. But i've lost count of the number of ministers or youth workers i've also encountered who, when approached by someone dealing with self-harm in their youth groups or congregations, respond with an "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand.." and leave it at that.

It's good to admit our blind spots and weaknesses, don't get me wrong .. but maybe today would be a good opportunity to do something else. Something more. Check out FirstSigns & attempt to understand. Find people or places who can perhaps help more than you. Look at what the Bible says about self-harm. You might never comprehend it fully, but your attempts will count. People count. Stories count. Perhaps we could all learn to listen a little more..

8/52: Cloudy-eyed

2010-02-25T17:41:00.002Z

i held the fort & i swung my sword, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

i've been feeling positively rubbish with this voice-stealing cold all week & so haven't ventured far enough or felt creative enough to take much of a picture. i'm afraid this is all i have to offer.

Taken: in my bedroom, wrapped up in duvets & hoodies & painkillers & tissues
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f4.8, exposure: 1/20, focal length 85 mm
Edited: with Photoshop CS4

Youth Weekend

2010-02-18T22:41:00.004Z

Youth Weekend, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

We took the young people away to Peterhead this weekend, joining up with the youth group at my home church and staying in their hall.

i was really nervous about the whole experience - it was one of those ideas that seemed so great at its conception, but got more & more problematic as it approached - but it turned out to be a resounding success.

After our weekend away to Barcaple, back in September, the young folk had been desperate for another opportunity to spend a few days away together. i was aware that not everyone is in a position to regularly spend the sort of money involved in that and so, to some extent, Peterhead was just a cheap & cheerful alternative. More than that, though, i hoped that Peterhead would be an opportunity to strengthen the bonds between our own young people; to introduce them to some Christian youth outside of their own little group; to provide them with an experience of church in a completely different form to their own; and to recreate the kind of activities & sense of community that edify & encourage them in who they are.

All of those things are kind of difficult to rate in terms of achievement and success, but the young people seem quite delighted with the outcome of the weekend.

We travelled up to Peterhead on Friday night and headed back to Prestwick on Monday morning. Saturday was a fairly hectic day with a morning at Aden Park playing games and working on some team work exercises and treasure-hunting challenges; an afternoon spent at my family's home eating lunch, playing the Wii, and taking walks in the countryside that surrounds us; and an evening session of thoughts, reflections, messy games and activities led by Kevin Avis. Sunday was a little more chilled with morning worship in the form of a family service; bowling in Fraserburgh (and ice-cream in St Combs.. mmm) in the afternoon; and Cafe Church and games at night.

The young people - both from Prestwick and Peterhead - seem to have loved every minute and came home completely hyper and buzzing with stories and quotes. It has been a real joy, over the last few days, to read their comments on photos and to watch them connecting and conversing over Facebook with those from the other town. They are bursting with stories and memories and completely high on the excitement of making new friends and sharing experiences with them. And this delights me, immensely and completely.

But even better than that, it delights me to hear that they took something more than even friendship from the weekend - that if you ask them what lasting lesson they learnt over those few days, they tell you (and i quote from their feedback forms), "That God loves us for who we are and not what other people think;" that "we should portray our following of God on the outside and inside. People should be like chocolate coins, the same on the inside and out;" that we are "Wonderfully made;" and "That God has a plan & a purpose for me! I am loved for who I am."

And it just goes to show what God can do with our seemingly silly, anxiety-ridden events - that sometimes i need to have a little more faith in my own ideas; a bit more faith in my young people's ability to make something good of the opportunities presented to them; and a LOT more faith in God and in his power and his plan.

i think it's safe to say he blessed us with an EPIC weekend.

7/52: Shadow lands

2010-02-18T18:59:00.004Z

7/52 Weeks: Shadow lands, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in Inverugie, just outside of Peterhead
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.3, exposure: 1/4000, focal length 45 mm
Edited: with Photoshop CS4 - slight contrast

6/52: Simple Self-portrait

2010-02-11T18:00:00.002Z

Self-portrait, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Pretty awful shot this week, but nevermind.

Taken: at the old St Nicholas Church & graveyard, Prestwick
Using: Nikon D60 SLR - f5.3 , exposure 1/1250, focal length 44mm
Edited with: Photoshop CS4

5/52: Spring is coming

2010-02-04T20:16:00.003Z

Spring is coming, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Taken: in Aden Park, Mintlaw
Using: Nikon D70 - f/5.6, exposure 1/100, focal length 95mm
Editted with: Photoshop CS2 - slightly cropped & bordered.

Better Than Oxygen

2010-02-04T16:57:00.005Z

i found a copy of Willy Mason's album 'If the Ocean Gets Rough' in a charity shop this afternoon & it reminded me how much i loved him first time wround. This song, in particular, has always stood out for me. The lyrics are amazing..

Willy Mason: Oxygen

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees

I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease

I wanna be cooler than T.V.
For all the kids that are wondering what they're going to be

We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe

We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need

We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until I'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

I wanna see through all the lies of society
To the reality, happiness is at stake

I wanna hold up my head with dignity
Proud of a life where to give means more than to take

I wan't to live beyond the modern mentality
Where paper is all that you're really taught to create

Do you remember the forgotten America?
Justice, equality, freedom to every race?

Just need to get past all the lies and hypocrisy,
Make-up and hair to the truth behind every face

Then look around to all the people you see,
How many of them are happy and free?

I know it sounds like a dream
But it's the only thing that can get me to sleep at night

I know it's hard to believe
But it's easy to see that something here isn't right

I know the future looks dark
But it's there that the kids of today must carry the light.

On and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until I'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew.

If I'm afraid to catch a dream
I weave your baskets and I float them down the river stream
Each one I weave with words I speak
To carry love to your relief.

I wanna be better than oxygen
So you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees

I wanna speak louder than Ritalin
For all the children who think that they've got a disease

I wanna be cooler than T.V.
For all the kids that are wondering what they're going to be

We can be stronger than bombs
If you're singing along and you know that you really believe

We can be richer than industry
As long as we know that there's things that we don't really need

We can speak louder than ignorance
Cause we speak in silence every time our eyes meet.

On and on, and on it goes
The world it just keeps spinning
Until I'm dizzy, time to breathe
So close my eyes and start again anew

2010: A Month In

2010-02-01T16:15:00.001Z

At the start of the year, i set out a list of all my aims (or resolutions, if you will) for 2010. Since my usual tendancy is to write all these things down in January and forget about them until looking back in disappointment come December, i figured i'd make a more conscious effort to keep track of them this time round. It's officially February now (how on earth did that happen?!) so i guess now's as good a time as any for my first 'review'.

So.. these were my intentions for 2010, followed by a description of how they're coming along:

Read at last 24 books
That's an average of 2 books a month. Throughout January i read 4 -'Fresh Apples' by Rachel Trezise; 'Kicked Out' by Richard W Hardwick; 'The Secret Garden' by Frances Hodgson Burnett & 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Frey - so i'm still on target there.
Complete a 52 Weeks photo project
4 weeks have passed and there has, indeed, been 4 photos to go along with them - all of which can be seen here.
Blog more regularly
i'm not entirely sure how best to review this one. Last January i wrote 13 blog posts, but it all went down hill and depleted from there. This January i wrote 16, so the challenge now will be in keeping it up and making the content more worthy of reading.
Sort out my weight
i still have a long long way to go, but i lost 11lbs in the space of 8 days. i stopped taking medication (yeah.. just like that) and lost my appetite almost instantly. It was stupid & i'm doing all the things i promised myself i wouldn't do, but honestly.. i couldn't care. It's just nice not to feel quite so huge.
Graduate college
There's still another 6 months, a placement & goodness knows how many assignments to go on that one, so i won't jinx things just yet. i did pass the scariest presentation ever, though. That's a positive, at least.
Be more spontaneous & less afraid of the universe
Failing miserably at this. If anything, i'm more afraid than i was a month ago. i wake up with this sickness in my stomach & knot in my chest every single morning, at the moment, that makes daily living anxiety-ridden enough.. i daren't even attempt spontaneous. It sucks.

All in all, though, i'm not doing too badly. Now to keep it up for another 11 months...

Answers

2010-01-29T10:45:00.003Z

Yesterday i asked, "What's the best thing to happen to you in the last 6 months?"

These are the answers received:

Honestly, this has been one of the worst years of my life, but it did make me reconnect with a friend who I hadn't really spoken to in a year or two. We had a difficult friendship but thankfully it's all in the past and we seem to be doing okay. I missed him. I now have someone to actually tell the truth to and it's pretty good :).
I also decided that although I like the occasional chain smoke, that the feeling afterwards is not necessarily worth it, same with alcohol. I've had enough waking up with a hangover and stinking, maybe my lungs and liver will survive as I have not smoked or even had a drink since about September :). Nothing big, but maybe that means the fun stuff's still to come :).
My brother's wedding. Especially that I was there for so much of it and enjoyed it and got to witness it and be a bridesmaid. I really enjoyed catching up with extended family too :-) :-) :-) There would be plenty of 6 month periods when it would have been a lot harder to answer. But the combination of a big event like that and not being able to do much make it easier. Although in a more general sense, the fact that I'm heading back into a slightly better/deeper [from a human perspective at least] phase of my relationship with God after the shock of having M.E. again and various other things that happened, is more enduring in the eternal sense and is/will make more difference to my daily life.
The sheer gift of 3 weeks in Chicago & LA to be creatively refreshed & challenged.
Starting my new job. It's full of pressure, very stressful. But I love it. My last 2 jobs have been very negative experiences that have had a very bad effect on both Linda and I.
So yeh, definitely starting my new job. Although, my new camera and booking a trip to Canada were definitely highlights!
A new niece in the family even though things were difficult at the time!
I let go of things that had been holding me for too long and found out who I am in the process. And it is good ^_^
My favourite thing in the last six months was being able to finally buy a decent motorcycle after years of struggling with an unreliable one. I kept saving up for one, then our house or car or something would swallow all the cash and I'd have to start again.

Obviously this looks a little materialistic, but the REAL best thing that's happened in the last six months isn't something I want to put on t'internet as it's still a bit emotional/raw.

Good question though - forced me to think about some of the good stuff instead of the daily ordinary life that normally fills ones' thoughts.
My son coming to live with me, although its been tough sometimes.

Getting PELL grants and a 1000 monthly housing allowance from my Post 9-11 GI Bill.

Not having to worry about finances and just focus on being a mom and going to school.

My 1st Xmas with my son on actual Christmas eve and day in a long time. Decorating the house with him and watching he and my friends open gifts and cooking a holiday dinner.

i love how beautifully honest and entirely different each of them is and just wanted to say thank you so very much for sharing! It's funny how other people's stories and gratitude can make you pause and take stock of things..

Appreciated.

And it's never too late if you want to contribute something too.. Formspring

4/52: Worship

2010-01-28T20:58:00.002Z

4/52: Worship, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Week 4 of 52 Weeks.

Taken: at the Deep Impact youth work conference in Aviemore.
Using: Nikon D60 - f/4.8, exposure 1/15, focal length 90mm
Editted with: Photoshop CS2 - slightly cropped & desaturated.

Best thing?

2010-01-28T07:53:00.003Z

Someone asked me the other day, "What's the best thing to happen to you in the last 6 months?"

And i couldn't answer.

There were a lot of nice things in the last 6 months. There were a lot of bad things too, but there were nice things. There was London with my mum & Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens. There was Regina Spektor and Noah and the Whale. There was Reach Out at home and summer mission here. There was survival of another year at college. There was Christmas and New Year. There were a multitude of coffees and photos and ice-cream and conversations. But there was nothing that particularly stood out. Nothing that springs to mind or makes me feel good to remember. Nothing outstanding. Nothing that will really last.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe the insignificant things are what matters. Maybe the fact that there is nothing huge in the last 6 months is actually the blessing in and of itself. Maybe that's what counts.

But i'm not so sure.

So i wondered... how would you answer if someone asked that of you? Think about it. It might be the easiest or the most difficult question in the world to answer. But i want to know. If you want to share, i want to know..

You can tell me in a comment here on this page.
Or you can tell me over on formspring if you want some anonymity.

But tell me,

"What's the best thing to happen to you in the last 6 months?"

i want to hear your memories.

(i'll repost them here if/when the answers come in.)

Playlists

2010-01-27T22:26:00.003Z

It struck me while browsing Spotify the other day that it's been a while since i discovered any new and exciting music. My most recent, pleasant finds were the likes of Bon Iver, Ellie Goulding & Frightened Rabbit.. but that was a while back.
So i'm curious.. what bands or artists are you guys listening to right now?!

My playlist-of-the-moment consists of:
Air, Amy Studt, Anna Nalick, Azure Ray, Billie Holiday, Bishop Allen, Bob Dylan, Bon Iver, Cat Power, Charlotte Martin, David Bowie, Eddie Vedder, Eisley, Elbow, Ellie Goulding, Elliott Smith, Elvis Costello, Fiona Apple, Five For Fighting, Fleetwood Mac, Frightened Rabbit, Frou Frou, Gregory & the Hawk, HIM, Jack's Mannequin, Jeff Buckley, Jena Malone, Joni Mitchell, Jose Gonzalez, Katy Rose, Laura Marling, Laura Veirs, Leona Lewis, Lisa Marie Presley, Lisa Mitchell, Lou Reed, Marianne Faithfull, Michael Jackson, Missy Higgins, Nirvana, Noah and the Whale, Patrick Wolf, Polly Scattergood, Rilo Kiley, Ryan Adams, Sarah McLachlan, Seabear, She & Him, Sia, Sigur Ros, Silverchair, Simon & Garfunkel, Slow Club, Something Corporate, Suzanne Vega, Tegan and Sara, The Cinematic Orchestra, The Honey Trees, The Shins, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Smiths, The Weepies, This Is Ivy League, Tilly and the Wall, Tori Amos & Yael Naim.

..what's on yours?!
Doesn't matter if they're mainstream or relatively unheard of, i want your recommendations. Who are the artists i should be checking out??

Prints

2010-01-27T01:05:00.004Z

Prints, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

i'm selling prints of some of my photos over on my Etsy account at rainbowpromises.etsy.com.

i sold 3 last night (thank you!), but there are still another dozen or so up at the moment.

My Flickr account is about to expire & my laptop just gave up the will to live, so the pennies will be spent wisely!

Thanks xo

3/52 Weeks

2010-01-21T20:01:00.002Z

3/52: Creature comforts, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Week 3

Taken: In my fort in my bedroom.. haha
Using: Nikon D60 - f/4.2, exposure 1/13 & focal length of 24mm.
Edited with: Photoshop CS2. Slight crop.

More:

2/52 Weeks

2010-01-14T13:08:00.002Z

Today's walk, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Week 2 of my 52 weeks project.

Taken: On the footpath along Prestwick shore.
Using: Nikon D60 - f/5.3, exposure 1/500 & focal length of 145mm.
Edited with: Photoshop CS2, border & text only.

The above is my 'official' week 2 photograph, but i'm also quite pleased with these from the same day:

1/52 Weeks

2010-01-07T21:17:00.004Z

Cliche, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

i'm going to try & post these 52 weeks photos on a Thursday, from now on.

This probably couldn't be more cliche, what with the snowflake cardigan and
the lens flare, but there we have it. Week 1.

Taken: in the backgarden of my family home, just outside Peterhead
Using: Nikon D60 - f/6.3, exposure 1/200 & focal length 30mm.
Edited with: Photoshop CS2 - crop, resize, diptych.

2010

2010-01-07T20:50:00.002Z

i don't tend to make new year's resolutions anymore, because they always seem so strict and prepared for disappointment. What i do have, though, are more a list of aims and dreams for 2010.

So.. in 2010 i hope to:

Read at least 24 books
It's become a bit of a habit over the last few years to set myself this target, aiming to read at least 24 books - approximately 2 a month throughout the year. i've managed to amass quite a collection of unread books over the last year, so hope to begin working my way through a few of them.
Complete a 52 Weeks photo project
Last year i completed my 365 project. Although it was nice to reach the end of the year and feel a sense of accomplishment in finishing it ..i feel like the pressure of taking a photo every single day became entirely non-productive. So, this year, rather than aiming for one mediocre photo a day, i hope to take one more substantial photo a week instead. 52 weeks - 52 photos.
Blog more regularly
i think it's pretty safe to say that this blog, in the last 12 months, was pretty ..crap. In 2010 i hope to rectify that.
Sort out my weight
i gained somewhere between 3 & 4stone in the last year and i really really hate it. Partly i need to accept that gaining weight was always going to be a part of feeling better ..but partly i do need to do something about it. It'd be the easiest thing in the world to just stop eating, but i know that i need to do things more sensibly and work out a suitable diet and exercise regime.
Graduate college
..at long last. It's already a year overdue and i don't want to jinx things by saying it's guaranteed - because nothing ever quite goes to plan - but i desperately hope that 2010 will be the year that i graduate with a degree.
Be more spontaneous & less afraid of the universe
Partly, this is about getting stuck in at psychology and working through CBT. But, largely, this is about just getting out and enjoying myself. All too often i find myself lounging around the flat in my pyjamas, doing nothing except driving myself mad, because i was just too shy to ask anyone to do anything, or too nervous to go somewhere new on my own, or too afraid that x, y or z might happen if i did. This year, i hope to be a little more spontaneous. i want to get off my backside more and explore.. hop on that train with my camera to see a new place a little more regularly. Be less afraid. Find something more exciting than my own company.

And that, pretty much, is what i want from 2010. Those are my hopes. What are yours?

(You can follow my progress over on 43 Things, if you're so inclined.)

(2009) A Year In Review

2010-01-07T17:13:00.001Z

2009 was a weird & wonderful year - a mixture of the strange & the sad, the happy & the bad.

2009 was the year i went back to college after 6 months away from the place (for summer break & then because i just needed a break) and watched some of my friends graduate without me. It was a year of scary presentations, scary new classes and scary first exams, but ultimately passing and making it through okay.

2009 was the year i visited London for the first time, fell in love, then visited again. It was a trip with Gemma in April, travelling on the MegaBus, staying in basic-standard youth hostels, eating on the cheap, seeing all the sights & catching up with Martin & Leanne. It was a second trip in July, this time with my mum as a 21st birthday treat, staying in a more sensible Travel Lodge, shopping and seeing Peter Pan performed in Kensington Gardens.

2009 was a year full of visits to NHS services. It was a year of dieticians and psychiatrists and finally finding the right balance of medication. It was the year where said medication made me balloon and gain 3 stone in weight. It was the year of the new psychologist; of physiotherapy and trips to A&E and orthopaedics after busting my knee climbing a tree.

2009 was a year of death after death after death. It was the year Michael Jackson died, leaving me - like half the world - completely devastated. It was the year Brittany Murphy died. It was the year of celebrity after celebrity dying or falling ill. It was the year my friend Natalie gave birth to a tiny baby boy ..only for him to die too. 2009 was a year of heartache.

2009, though, was a year of good things too. Nothing as huge and significant as the number of people who lost their lives ..but little things. Tiny things. Insignificant things that amount up to something greater. 2009 was a year where i started to learn how to let go, to stop blaming myself for the bigger things and to understand that the little things do actually matter.

2009 was the year where i finally succeeded at a project 365. It was the year where i actually started to make use of my photography and wound up with a couple of shots in silly little displays.

2009 was a year of joyous summer mission events, both in Prestwick and Peterhead. It was a year full of hilarity with the young people and youth group seeming to suddenly take off.

2009 was a year with a college tutor who didn't tell me to give up. It was a year free from constant criticism and being told i wasn't good enough for my course. It was the year of just-passes and kind-of-sort-of learning that that's enough.

It was a year full of coffee-shop visits and conversations with friends. It was a year of road-trips and catch-ups and trips to see old school friends. It was a year of family and extended visits home, and a year of concerts with some of my favourite ever bands.

All in all, 2009 was a good year. It was a mixture of positive and negative, as every year is. It was a heavy year. A hard one in many ways. But it was good. A year of small successes and little baby steps. Of good things. Better things. Here's to an even better 2010..

(2009) A Year In Review: Music pt 2

2010-01-06T17:27:00.004Z

i've already listed my favourite albums released in 2009 ..but what did i play most in 2009?

According to the LastFM plug-in, my most played artists were:

Noah and the Whale; Kate Nash; Michael Jackson; The Scala Choir & Paramore..

Albums were:

'Across the Universe' soundtrack; 'The First Days Of Spring' by Noah and the Whale; 'Break Up' by Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson; 'Brand New Eyes' by Paramore & 'Far' by Regina Spektor..

And tracks were:

'The Calculation' by Regina Spektor; 'Relator' by Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson; 'Misguided Ghosts' by Paramore; 'Fight For This Love' by Cheryl Cole & 'Broken Road to Freedom' by Mel Wiggins.

..It's perhaps not as reliable as it once was, given my CD drive on my laptop stopped working & the discovery of Spotify meant that i didn't even bother downloading many of favourite tracks, but it's still a pretty fair representation of what i listened to last year. Thanks, LastFM!

10000

2010-01-06T12:02:00.002Z

This blog managed to reach its 10000th view over-night and i thought it was worth a little mention.

i'm not sure why anyone would want to read my blog in its current form - i've been particularly bad at posting over the last 12 months and i intend to rectify that - but to anyone who has, thank you so much for sticking with it and taking the time to view! Cheers.

(2009) A Year In Review: Music

2010-01-05T21:16:00.000Z

Favourite albums of 2009..

#10. 'Rebuilt By Humans' by Newton Faulkner
Favourite tracks: 'If This Is It'

#9. 'Horehound' by The Dead Weather
Favourite tracks: '60 Feet Tall'; 'I Cut Like A Buffalo'; 'New Pony'

#8. 'The Fray' by The Fray
Favourite tracks: 'You Found Me'; 'Never Say Never'

#7. 'Where the Wild Things Are' OST by Karen O & the Kids
Favourite tracks: 'Worried Shoes'; 'All Is Love'

#6. 'Far' by Regina Spektor

Favourite tracks: 'The Calculation'; 'Dance Anthem of the 80s'; 'Laughing With'

#5. 'Lungs' by Florence + the Machine

Favourite tracks: 'Kiss With A Fist'; 'Drumming Song'

#4. 'The First Days of Spring' by Noah and the Whale

Favourite tracks: 'Love of An Orchestra'; 'Blue Skies'

#3. 'Break Up' by Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson

Favourite tricks: 'Relator'; 'Shampoo'

#2. '(500) Days of Summer' official soundtrack

Favourite tracks: 'Us' (Regina Spektor); 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' (the Smiths); 'You Make My Dreams' (Hall & Oates); 'Sweet Disposition' (The Temper Trap); 'Mushaboom' (Feist); 'Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want (She & Him)

#1. 'Brand New Eyes' by Paramore

Favourite tracks: 'Playing God'; 'Turn It Off'; 'The Only Exception'; 'Misguided Ghosts'

Honourable mentions:

‘The Midnight Organ Fight’ by Frightened Rabbit
This album would have made number one or two.. except i discovered it was actually released in 2008. Love it.
'She & Him: Volume One' by She & Him
Again, this should have been up there in my top few albums throughout this year.. except it too was released in 2008. Beautiful album. Love Zooey Deschanel.
‘The Best Of The Smiths’ by The Smiths
For some reason, The Smiths have only really entered into my consciousness in the last year or so and i am pretty much smitten. What a voice.
‘Dangerous’ by Michael Jackson
For obvious reasons, my Michael Jackson collection was out in full force this year. It's hard to choose a favourite from such a selection, but i think 'Dangerous' just makes it, for tracks like 'Black Or White'; 'Will You Be There'; 'Heal The World'; 'Keep The Faith' & 'Gone Too Soon'.

Happy Coincidences

2010-01-04T21:37:00.002Z

Sunset Over Ailsa Craig, originally uploaded by South Ayrshire.

Two things in the land of photography:

1. While browsing the South Ayrshire Council website for a wholly unrelated reason yesterday afternoon, i discovered that they have their own Flickr account. i was happily having a nose through their photos when.. ta-da! ..my own photo!

They have a set containing all the photos that were on display in Ayr town centre for the end of Homecoming Scotland & my photo of the Ailsa Craig (above) was one of them. Tres cool.

2. Secondly, i came back to Prestwick this evening (with all the inner turmoil that brings) and discovered that my FirstSigns calendar had arrived in the post.

i'd submitted a photo to them, with this project in mind, some time ago but had never heard anything back and so assumed it was not to be included. Bought the calendar anyway because i admire the work that Firstsigns do, raising awareness and helping those who struggle with self-injury ..only to find, today, that my photo is included in it after all! This was a complete joy to discover and i feel incredibly priveleged to be in any way associated with such a worthy cause.

You can read more about the calendar & their work here.

(The photo included.)

Teh awesomeness.

(2009) A Year In Review: Reading

2010-01-02T23:49:00.004Z

It's becoming a kind-of-habit that i set myself the goal of reading 24 books every year, aiming at 2 for every month. In 2008 i managed 31. 2009 i managed 41 as follows:

'Milkweed' by Jerry Spinelli
'Self Harm: The Path to Recovery' by Kate Middleton & Sara Garvie
'Scarred' by Sophie Andrews
'In the Place of Fallen Leaves' by Tim Pears
'On the Edge: My Story' by Richard Hammond
'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas' by John Boyne
'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom
'Tideland' by Mitch Cullin
'Sweetie' by Jenny Tomlin
'Self-Injury: When Pain Feels Good' by Edward T Welch
'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
'Bloodletting: A True Story of Secrets, Self-Harm and Survival' by Victoria Leatham
'I Capture the Castle' by Dodie Smith
'The Boy Who Loved Anne Frank' by Ellen Feldman
'The Children of Green Knowe' by Lucy M. Boston
'Cut' by Cathy Glass
'Without Mercy' by Miriam Ali
'Manic' by Terri Cheney
'The Incredible Adam Spark' by Alan Bissett
'Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile' by Rob Bell
'The Gospel According to Chris Moyles' by Chris Moyles
'What I Was' by Meg Rosoff
'Poppy Shakespeare' by Clare Allan
'Ugly Shy Girl' by Laura Dockrill
'Love, Stargirl' by Jerry Spinelli
'Beatrix Potter's Journal' by Beatrix Potter
'Ruby' by Francesca Lia Block & Carmen Straton
'Just In Case' by Meg Rosoff
'Peter Pan' by J.M. Barrie
'Drops Like Stars: A Few Thoughts On Creativity & Suffering' by Rob Bell
'The Shack' by William P. Young
'Weighing It Up' by Ali Velenzuela
'December' by Elizabeth H. Winthrop
'Mind Over Mood' by Dennis Greenberger et al
'A Head Full of Blue' by Nick Johnstone
'Look Back In Hunger' by Jo Brand
'Madness: A Bipolar Life' by Marya Hornbacher
'Twilight' by Stephanie Meyer
'The More You Ignore Me..' by Jo Brand
'Tuesdays With Morrie' by Mitch Albom
'Two Caravans' by Marina Lewycka

Particular stand-outs from the year..

Fiction
#1. 'Milkweed' by Jerry Spinelli
#6. 'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas' by John Boyne
#23. 'Poppy Shakespeare' by Clare Allan

Biography
#37. 'Madness: A Bipolar Life' by Marya Hornbacher
#40. 'Tuesdays With Morrie' by Mitch Albom

Non-fiction
#20. 'Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile' by Rob Bell
#30. 'Drops Like Stars: Thoughts On Creativity and Suffering' by Rob Bell

(2009) A Year In Review: Photography

2010-01-01T23:55:00.000Z

In 2008, i set myself the challenge of undertaking Project 365 - taking a photo for every day of the year. In 2008 i failed miserably when my camera was stolen (at knife-point, i might add!!) in Tanzania and i missed a few weeks worth of shots.

2009, i set myself the same challenge and this time appear to have succeeded. Huzzah!!

Taking a photo a day, despite my apparent camera obsession, is actually surprisingly difficult! Some days i just found myself so wrapped up in enjoying life that i completely forgot until 11:50pm. Other days i just had no motivation to do anything creative. And so it is that my Project 365 is a particularly odd and ecclectic mix of deliberately set-up shots and shambolic webcam self-portraits, with a few low-quality phone pictures mixed in between.

Alas, it is finished.

If you happen to have a little too much time on your hands, or just feel like laughing at my miscellania, check out my Project 365 on Flickr here.

Cheers!

For 2010, i'm setting myself the new challenge of 52 Weeks - aiming for one decent photo a week, rather than one shambolic picture a day. Quality over quantity and all that. Watch this space..

Regina Spektor

2009-12-30T16:48:00.005Z

i just realised that i never got round to blogging my photos from the Regina Spektor concert i went to back on the 1st of December. Regina was and is one of my all-time favourite musicians and it was a true pleasure to finally see her live at the O2 Academy in Glasgow, along with my friend Lesley who's probably an even bigger fan than i am!

Regina was precisely the class act i'd hoped she would be, interacting quite shyly but beautifully with the audience and even taking a shirt-to-the-face incident completely in her stride. Her performance was astounding, switching between piano (either accompanied or alone), guitar, keyboard & unaccompanied vocals throughout the evening, proving she has quite the astounding amount of talent for one woman! Incredible. ♥

The show was opened by one Jenny Owen Youngs, who was also rather fabulous.

All in all an amazing night!

Some photos, at last:

Jenny Owen Youngs

Regina Spektor

On display

2009-11-29T15:41:00.000Z

On display, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

Yesterday saw Ayr Central Shopping Centre turned into 'Scotch Corner' as part of the Come Back to Ayrshire and Homecoming Scotland celebrations.

They served free haggis, neeps & tatties; had free face-painting and a bouncy castle for the kids; an ice-cream stall in aid of Malcolm Sargent House; bagpipers playing throughout the day; and an on-street display of Ayrshire art, poetry and photography.

One of my photos was featured as part of the latter and it was really quite cool to see it blown up so largely for everyone to see. Quite delighted!

The Mighty Boosh

2009-11-02T18:37:00.005Z

The Mighty Boosh ran a "pocket sack race" down Buchanan Street and held a book signing in Borders on Saturday. i am pretty much in love with Noel Fielding! ♥

Some photos:

"Assisted" Self-harm

2009-10-30T15:23:00.002Z

Just been reading an article on the Guardian's website, entitled "'Assisted self-harming' offered in UK hospitals", and the response given by FirstSigns - a 'self-harm voluntary organisation' - on their blog.

The Guardian simply write that,

Patients who self-harm are being allowed to cut themselves in hospitals and mental health units as part of a ground-breaking approach to help them hurt themselves more safely.

Care plans are drawn up for patients, detailing the circumstances in which they are allowed to cut themselves. Patients must agree, for example, to seek help from nurses if their wounds require professional dressing. Other methods of so-called "assisted self-harm" involve giving patients sterile blades. Some nurses stay with patients as they self-harm.

Medical professionals who support the controversial method of treatment argue that those determined to self-harm should be helped to minimise the risk of infection from dirty blades. But others believe helping patients self-harm goes against their code of ethics.

Ian Hulatt, mental health adviser for the Royal College of Nursing, said: "It is a very complex and confusing issue, but then, so is the phenomenon of someone hurting themselves to feel better

Firstsigns, in response, have accused the newspapers of "sensationalism" and "whipping up a storm". While i was not left, at all, with this impression on reading the article, i do find myself agreeing with the point they seem to be making about the obscurity of the term 'assisted self-harm'. What they seem, to me, to be describing is not assisted self-harm, but rather assisted safety for those determined to self-harm anyway.

Terms and conspiracy theories aside, the whole shebang really got me thinking.

i've always considered the idea of 'Safe-harm' initiatives to be the ideal direction in which the NHS should head in terms of their dealing with patients who self-harm. When i first read this article, my initial, personal response was therefore one of "YES! At last!"

And then i was made to stop and take a step back by someone putting a more professional spin on the issue.

And it got me thinking.. how would i feel if, as a Youth Worker, i was asked to advocate a safe-harm programme for a young person over whom i had a professional responsibility? How would i react if, within a Youth Work context, i knew that a young person under my care was self-harming in the next room? Would the knowledge that this was all part of their care plan to recovery, or the ability to wrap a neat bandage round them afterwards, or the assurance that we could work through their emotions in a nice little worksheet after the event actually mean a thing when it comes down to a deep professional concern for that young person's well-being? i'm really not sure that it would.

But this is exactly what my ideology is asking the nursing profession to do...

And yet, from a personal or patient point of view, i can still see only benefits.

From that perspective, it seems absurd to me that these procedures haven't had a wider-scale implementation already. The whole idea of a harm-free mental health hospital or care centre is theoretical nonsense, unless it is fully and carefully followed through in practice. From what i've read, heard or experienced, that is very rare and, to be honest, quite impossible.

No ward on any hospital will ever create an environment where self-harm is a true impossibility. No staff team could ever be expected to check every patient and every visitor every time they enter the ward. No amount of bag-checking will eliminate the possibility that a patient might find a shop nearby that happens to stock sharp objects, or convince a (very naive) friend to bring in a rather large dose of their prescription medication, or keep something hidden inside their shoes or their socks or the lining of their suitcase. All the plastic cups and knives and vases in the world will not stop a patient finding another alternative if they are that determined. All the talk therapy and staff 'support' under the sun will not counteract the urge to self-harm if it's the only thing a person's used to. To think that it will is only counterproductive.

Self-harm is not something that most people can just stop. It's something that takes a great deal of time and work and effort and support to overcome and taking away a person's razor blades is not going to alter the length of that process. To take away a person's only coping mechanism, from my experience, is not only unhelpful, but can be dangerously unhealthy - by taking self-harm away completely, we not only leave them without their usual life-line, but lumber an additional dose of shame on top of their already heavy load, often driving them to unfamiliar and thus less-safe methods of self-injury.

By having a well thought-out, carefully implemented 'Safe-harm' programme in place, hospitals do not say to their patients, "We think this okay," but rather, "We understand."

If the strategy is used appropriately and well, it seems to me to have the potential to not only keep wounds 'sterile' and 'safe' - though this, too, plays an important part - but to put in place a process that truly enables the patient to work through their emotions with a member of staff and equips them to better understand the thoughts and feelings behind their self-harm, which will be vital to their long-term recovery.

How this works out in practice will be interesting to see. i'm sure that, in some ways, it will only add to the workload of an often-strained NHS service ...but if it can be persevered with and worked out in its entirity, i can see only positive outcomes for the patients themselves..

Anyone else have any thoughts or different opinions on the matter? i'd be interested to hear.

Chorus

2009-10-25T16:08:00.002Z

A while back, i posted this video of some children singing a very beautiful rendition of Coldplay's 'Viva La Vida' that i've been in love with for the longest time.

Well, as slow on the up-take as i may well be, i have today discovered a blog and entire youtube stream full of their music and videos. Turns out they're a far bigger deal than i realised, with their videos being posted by the likes of Perez Hilton and a variety of artists including Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Stevie Nicks & Tori Amos making the occasional appearance!

Turns out they are the PS22 Chorus. And they are pretty much incredible.

There are so many amazing songs covered that i couldn't decide which to post, but settled on Joni Mitchell's 'Circle Game' because it's one of my all-time favourite songs, but check them out here and here for many more!

Beautiful ♥

Noah and the Whale

2009-10-17T16:02:00.005+01:00

Went to see Noah and the Whale perform in Glasgow's Oran Mor on Thursday night, with Alistair, and was pretty much blown away.

They were supported by a New York guy called Sean Rowe who warmed up the crowd with his awesome, Johnny Cash-like voice and lyrics and left me suitably impressed:

And then Noah and the Whale arrived on stage and.. ohmigosh. i love Noah and the Whale at the best of times. i love their voices and their folk-style music, with the mix of drums and guitars and violins; i love their lyrics and the stories they weave with their words; and i love their creativity with their photos and videos and blog posts and the narrative they wrap themselves in. i loved them already. But on Thursday night i was completely in awe.

They played a much heavier, rocked out set than i expected, still weaving the 'gentle' sound of the violin and their beautiful voices, but seriously kicking ass with the energy and enthusiasm they soared across their instruments. Tom played the fiddle so hard his bow disintegrated. Not even gonna try and sum it up more than that. Just.. wow.

A truly beautiful evening. ♥

'See Me' Exhibition

2009-10-16T23:51:00.004+01:00

This past week i have had my first (and possibly last) ever photo in an exhibition.

As part of the Scottish Mental Health Arts and Film Festival 2009, the 'See Me..' organisation ran a photography competition on the theme of 'Be there, be yourself'. i entered the photo above and it was displayed in an exhibition, first in a health clinic in Kilmarnock and then for a week in a shopping centre in Ayr, alongside all the other entries and a series of paintings from the patients at Ailsa Hospital. Pretty cool. ♥

Weekend Away Video

2009-10-02T20:31:00.000+01:00

Part 1..

Weekend away

2009-09-28T21:29:00.004+01:00

My peeps ♥, originally uploaded by rainbowpromise.

This weekend we took a group of ten young people away to the Abernethy Trust's Barcaple adventure centre near Ringford, Kircudbright.

It was a weekend filled with team-building activities and outdoor exercises including tree-climbing, challenge courses, raft building and an epic game of late night hide'n'seek!

We were brilliantly catered for with three meals a day and an evening snack, a well-stocked tuck shop and beautifully kept rooms and games facilities.

The centre is run entirely by Christians and so included some thoughts and testimonies from their staff, whilst also providing us with a great and beautiful location to simply admire God's glory and creation.

It was a real joy to watch the young people thrive and grow in those surroundings, with the girls who usually dislike "messy" games throwing themselves into the grit & dirt of some of the challenges, whilst others came out of their shells and showed us just what funny, brilliant people they can actually be.

i injured my knee in the tree-climbing right at the start of the weekend and so was unable to participate in most of the activities, but despite the pain it was probably a blessing in disguise, letting me take a step back and really see the young people open themselves up, without always being concerned about me trying to do things 'right'.

All in all it was truly a great weekend!

Project 365

2009-09-23T12:19:00.003+01:00

An array of my most recently uploaded Project 365 photos, stored over here.

Picture Stories: Hannah Emily

2009-09-10T01:14:00.003+01:00

Vapour Trail, originally uploaded by Ivory Faces.

Another photographer worth checking out - this time the best friend of Keri-Anne, from previous posts. Hannah takes beautifully innocent photos that portray a child-like imagination. Quite lovely.

Check her out on Flickr, or on her blog here.

Picture Stories: Keri-Anne

2009-09-01T15:28:00.001+01:00

Some photos by the very lovely Keri-Anne, aka Gingerlillytea.. just because i think that everyone should check them out.

Take Broken Me

Blogging

2010 List Review

Week 52/52: Happy New Year

Week 51/52: Rockin Robin

Week 50/52: Christingles

Week 49/52: Laduree

Week 48/52: Brodiepup

Week 47/52: Hayley Williams

Week 46/52: Piercing

Week 45/52: Bonfire Night

Week 44/52: Youth Councils 2010

Week 43/52: Messy Church

Week 42/52: Autumn

Week 41/52: Treasures

Week 40/52: Fraserburgh Sunset

Week 39/52: Ayla

Week 38/52: Autumn

Week 37/52: Mundane photos of kitty cats

Progress

36/52: Backgarden Banter

35/52: Bowling

34/52: Beach BBQ

33/52: Fields of gold.

32/52: Cheryl & Alan

31/52: Daydreamer

30/52: Scottish Week Fireworks Display

29/52: This evening's sun

28/52: Lashes & Shadows

27/52: Climber

26/52: Congregational Outing

New Blog

25/52: Messy Games

24/52: With Chip K

23/52: Sunset City

22/52: Millport

A Letter to Myself (Notes on Recovering from Depression)

21/52: Afternoon Glow

April's Film

20/52: What's In Your Bag?

19/52: Christian Aid Fun Day

Something true

18/52: Timshel

Will

Tattoo: Timshel

17/52: Brig O' Doon.

16/52: Evening Sun

You’ve Lost Your Muchness

15/52: Daffodils

A date with photography

Photo 'Therapy'

14/52: Spring Awakening

It's Friday

Redemption Stories

13/52: Fading

12/52: Girly

Drops Like Stars

Stand Still

11/52: Layers

Just a quote

Search & destroy

10/52: Light Spilling

2010: Two months

9/52: Thebandwithnoname

SIAD & A Rant On Understanding

8/52: Cloudy-eyed

Youth Weekend

7/52: Shadow lands

6/52: Simple Self-portrait

5/52: Spring is coming

Better Than Oxygen

2010: A Month In

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Answers

4/52: Worship

Best thing?

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3/52 Weeks

2/52 Weeks